Knocking down the walls of fear

“Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack, in everything, that’s how the light gets in”

Leonard Cohen

For many years I built a metaphorical prison for myself. Brick by brick, wall by wall, until I was completely surrounded.

The walls I built were made of fear and shame.  Although it was all in my mind, it felt very, very real, trapped in a prison of my own making.

But what was I afraid and ashamed of?

The truth is, I was afraid to expose who I really was.  Sensitive, awkward, anxious, quiet and well and truly in the closet.

I was so afraid that somebody might see the real me, I built a prison to hide in and I started to live a lie.  In doing so, I cut myself off from life bit by bit.

If we believe it, fear has the ability to stop us from taking any action.  It will tell us that it is just far to painful to show up as ourselves in the world, much better to stay in the familiar prison.

I want to tell you now, there are cracks in the walls we build, big enough to let the light in and to show us the way out.  True happiness, true contentment and peace will never be found in the prison of fear.

knock down the walls or just open the door

It took me until my late twenties and early thirties to accept who I am and to be comfortable in my own skin.  It is work in progress,  I can find myself back in the prison sometimes but once you have seen the way out, you don’t forget it.

Mindfulness – Coming out of auto pilot mode

One of the things mindfulness is good at, is taking us out of auto pilot mode. In autopilot mode we are unlikely to see the patterns of behaviour that put us in the metaphorical prison.

With a heightened awareness that mindfulness brings, I can see when I am starting to build the walls again, when anxiety and fear start to take over.

A daily practice of meditation and everyday mindfulness provides the awareness.  So when I find myself back in the so-called prison, I don’t have to knock the walls down, the prison door stays wide open, it never gets locked, all I have to do is make the choice to walk through it.

Kindness and compassion

In my post “From the heart” I wrote how compassion and kindness has helped me over the last few years.

There was a time I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, now I look and smile as if I am greeting my best friend.

At least once a week, I will carry out this simple compassion meditation and drop these words right into my heart.  I start with myself and then wish the same for a close friend or loved one. I don’t search for a special feeling or emotion but more often than not a feeling of peace and contentment will arise during the meditation.

May I be well, May I be happy, May I be free from suffering and harm.

May you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering and harm.

Being kind and compassionate to ourselves and others can bring great inner strength and inner peace.   It helped me to see, that I can just be me, I can have a soft heart but also a strong back, I can be kind but doesn’t mean I am a walk over. I can be sensitive and caring because that just who I am. I can drop the macho bullshit, it’s just not me.  A big learning curve, but one that allowed me to escape that prison I built once and for all.

Goodbye prison

Mindfulness and meditation have changed my life.

To be clear though, It hasn’t changed me. When I first started with it, I so badly wanted to change, to be somebody else.  It is what brought me to the practise in the first place, but it had other plans.

It is returning me back home, back to my natural state, my true self, just simply me.

I hope this helps anybody out there that feels stuck in a prison of fear, shame, guilt or whatever other things we build our walls with.

Take the time to stop, to notice, notice the cracks in the walls you have built around you. Be curious about the light that shines through them and go after it.

There is plenty of time, know that it is okay. It is okay to just be yourself.

With Best wishes, I hope you have a great week, from Roger.