Twists and turns in the journey
As I journey into this life with meditation and mindfulness, it becomes harder to put my experience into words. As the mind becomes quiet, so does the stories, the self and the reasons why.
This is meditation doing its work, unseen, without glory. Creating space, immense and timeless. A space where the pushing and pulling stops, where the influence of experience and knowledge has no power. Where the motives of the ego mind diminish.
The demands of the mind still come, the fears, the judgments, the attachments, but from this space created by the practice, they can be acknowledged, felt and allowed to move through freely, with ease.
I believe it is from this space we can see change and transformation.
The road is full of twists and turns. I know less now that I did when I first started out and I am happy to rest with that. The knowledge that got me here did just that, it got me to sit on the cushion, to search for the space, but the practice turns this all upside down.
I came to this practice seeking change, security, happiness and peace. What I was really seeking was satisfaction and reward, all from the ego mind. All my efforts were based around this. My ego mind had played a trick, a self projection, it showed me a little picture of what life would be like in the future, an illusion, totally unreal.
From this place of still mind, free from the known, no true or false, no should be or should not, the illusions fall away. In this rawness emerges something new, peaceful and still.
I will often just go and stand in the back garden and listen. Just listening to the birds singing, trying to pick out the different calls (it’s usually Robin, he has such a lovely tune). Then I listening to the far away sounds, the traffic on the road, the kids playing on the park, the dog barking, the plane passing by overhead.
Just listening can be a meditation in itself, opening up the space in the mind, away from the narrow channels of awareness we build. Just allowing it all in, not wanting it to go away or be different, just listening with curiosity. There is a great beauty in listening this way, it is quite extraordinary.
Our ears are so often blocked up with projections, opinions and thoughts that we rarely listen at all.
The more we truly listen, the quieter it becomes, the more the space opens up.
We must keep an open and generous heart in this practice. There are times when I have closed my heart on this journey, becoming hard and stern with myself. In that tight-fisted, closed down mode of thinking, the space closes in. A day or week may go by, little things start to niggle you, you start to push away noise, fear may arise in the belly, be aware of it, this may happen.
Go gently, breathe, soften, sit back, sink in and root our feet to the floor. Things may go awry, that’s okay, we can always come back, always.
Go to a quiet place, close your eyes and drop into your heart. Just listen, the heart knows what you need, no words are required.